 |  | |
 | Interview conducted by David Greenberger for The Duplex Planet. | |
| Jack Mudurian (L) and Bill Sears, standing outside the Duplex Nursing Home, 1981. | ||
| | |
| Interview conducted by David Greenberger for The Duplex Planet. | |
| Jack Mudurian (L) and Bill Sears, standing outside the Duplex Nursing Home, 1981. | ||
| DBG | What's embarrassment? |
| Jack | Cheeky deb. |
| DBG | What? |
| Jack | Cheeky deb. |
| DBG | What's that mean? |
| Jack | I don't know. I don't know what embarrassment means. Cheeky deb is Armenian, it means "I don't know." My mother speaks in Armenian and French and English. |
| There's two Gloria Swansons and one of 'em's bigger than me, and the other one's smaller than that. I found out from Ron Gultz, the Boston cab driver, that one of them died - I don't know which one. | |
| DBG | What can you tell me about Texas? |
| Jack | Lone Star State. Texas gals are the prettiest gals around. (sings) "Oh give me a home where the buffalo roam, where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard a discouraging world." |
| DBG | That should be "word." |
| Jack | No, not word - world. (sings) "And the skies are not cloudy all day. Home, home on the range, where the deer and the antelope play. Where seldom is heard a discouraging world and the skies are not cloudy all day." |
| DBG | Tell me about birthday parties. |
| Jack | It's a happy occasion. You can invite your friends and your pals to your birthday party. Have a good time, cut the cake and give it out and eat it, after the person that its birthday blows the candles out. You can sing songs, (sings) "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you." You can sing songs, (sings) "In a cavern, in a canyon." |
| DBG | What can you tell me about the behavior of fish? |
| Jack | I don't know, I'm not in the fisherman's union. They have gills - they have fins and gills, that's all I know about fishin.' (sings) "Well I'm a'goin' fishin,' there's a smile upon my face, goin' fishin'" - I don't know the rest of the words of the song, that's all I know. (sings) "Well it's only a paper moon, sailing under a cardboard sky, but it wouldn't be make-believe if you believed in me." |
| DBG | Thank you. |
| Jack | There's more, that's not the whole song. (sings) "Oh it's a love, love, love, oh it's a honky tonk parade, oh it's a melody played in a penny arcade, for it's a Barnum and Bailey world, just as phoney as it can be, but it wouldn't be make-believe if you believed in me." |
| DBG | Thank you. |
| Jack | You're welcome, Dave. I'm waiting for my dinner. Time is going by. Time waits for no one. The essence of time. (walks away singing) "Well it's only a paper moon. . ." |
| Snakes can't close their eyes. They can't close their eyes because they ain't got any eyelids. And they can't hear neither. They're not nice to look at. A boa constrictor squeezes animals and people to death if it's disagreeable with them, if they don't come to an eye-to-eye understanding with them. There's something else about snakes, I can't quiter think of it. . . They die easily, even when hurt a little bit. I think I found that out on TV. Only three percent of the snakes in the world are poisonous. That's what I found out. |
| DBG | What's the worst trouble you were ever in? |
| Jack | In the ice plant. |
| DBG | What happened? |
| Jack | I almost didn't get out of there, I almost fell down when I was in there. |
| That's my favorite color - the color black. That's the color of my father's automobile. My father taught me to drive after I came back from Rhode Island. |
| DBG | What's the most fun you ever had? |
| Jack | Bein' married to Fran Poletsky. |
| DBG | You're not married to her. |
| Jack | She's already married, but I'd like to be married to her, but somebody beat me to it. Who's the lucky guy that beat me? She's here you know, she's on the staff. She's the little girl with the glasses. |
| DBG | What's wrong with artists? |
| Jack | They don't draw enough pictures. I'm not an artist, I'm an automobile driver, that's what I am. And I never hit no pedestrians - I don't hit no dogs, no cats. I never hit no bicycle riders, no cars. I'm a safe automobile driver. I never hit bicycle riders and I never hit people when I drive a car. That's a promise and a guarantee, and it's the truth, too - it's not a lie from my mouth. I go accident-free and the car goes for me all the time - stick-shift driving, not automatic, not push-button, David Greenberger. |
| DBG | What kind of animal would you like to be if you had to be one? |
| Jack | Horse. |
| DBG | Why's that? |
| Jack | Because I like Johnny MacBrown. I want him to be my rider, and I'd take him anywhere in the world without being hurt. |
| DBG | Who's Johnny MacBrown? |
| Jack | He's a cowboy on the movie screen, he's in the westerns. I don't want to be a draft horse, I want to be a saddle horse, Dave. |
| DBG | Does everything belong to someone? |
| Jack | Yes, everything belongs to someone. Television, radio, Motorola radio in the dashboard of a car. Boat, an airplane, motorcycle, motor scooter, motorbike, ice skates, skis, heater in the car, magic carpet - that's all. What else? Divan, bed, warm blanket, clock, food, smokin' pipes, and I can't think of anything else. Automobile, bicycle, shirt, belt - hey Dave, can you get me a new belt? I'm trying to get a new belt, I need a new belt. Cigarette lighter, water fountain, bubbler, chewing gum, chewing tobacco, pipe tobacco, 'eye glasses, hat, cap, ring on your fingers, wrist watch, cigarette holder, cigarette pack in your shirt pocket, moustache, shoes, sneakers, bedroom slippers, brown corduroy bedroom slippers, ring - I already said ring - fountain pen, ballpoint pen, a barber's shears to cut men's hair, a washing machine that automatically washes your laundry for you - like in the laundromat. I'm going to get a drink of water. |
| DBG | Do you have good luck? |
| Jack | A little bit, I'm a little bit lucky. Is that good or bad that I'm a little bit lucky Dave? It's good - it's good to me, it's not bad. They have Lucky Strike cigarettes. |
| DBG | How do you get good luck? |
| Jack | By not making enemies. |
| Cavemen make their own clothes. They kill animals to eat the food from their bodies. They make their own fire to cook the food sho they can eat the food. There was no language at that time, the language had to be made. They just grunted and groaned. Another thin the cavemen, they don't have a perfectly straight posture when they're standin' up, like you do. |
| DBG | What's a vampire? |
| Fergie | A vampire - that's one of my seventy-five wives. Only seventy-five, not seventy-six. Seventy-five's enough, isn't it? A vampire is a sleuth. She is able to take over everything. It could be a he, but it's a she. |
| Jack | Check the dictionary and see what a vampire is Dave. |
| Fergie | The dictionary. |
| Jack | Webster's dictionary, Thorndike Barnhart. |
| Fergie | That shouldn't be too hard. |
| Jack | Thorndike Barnhart. |
| Fergie | What's the matter with Webster's dictionary? |
| Jack | Nothing's the matter with that. |
| Fergie | Webster's is known the world over. What's the name of the one you said? |
| Jack | Thorndike Barnhart. |
| Fergie | It must be an immense dictionary - is it? |
| Jack | Yeah, it is. |
| Fergie | How big is it? |
| Jack | I don't know how big it is, I've never gone into that dictionary - I just happen to know the name of it. I had a Webster's. |
| You have to sleep, if you don't sleep you'll die, your body requires sleep. If you don't go to bed and sleep you won't live. Beauty sleep is the first hour of sleep after you fall to sleep. Then after that your beauty sleep is discontinued. You can't fall off to sleep if you're hungry. Your beauty sleep is your early sleep. The first hour after you fall off to sleep after you get into bed is your beauty sleep, after that it's not. |
| DBG | What's a high water mark? |
| Jack | When floods take place is a high water mark. Is that right or wrong? |
| DBG | I think it's right. |
| Jack | I thank you kindly. I'm glad you see eye-to-eye with me on that. |
| If a pretty girl let me kiss her I'd take her for a ride in the car if I had a car to drive. |
| DBG | Why is Jerry Lewis so popular in France? |
| Jack | Is he in France now? I don't know where he is. How can I answer that if I don't know where he is? I read a book about someone's life one time - Amaso Delano. I happened to pick up that volume, and I read it all the way through - and to me, I understood what I read. |
| DBG | Who is he? |
| Jack | He's a person who deals in men's clothes. Does he deal in women's clothes? No, he deals in men's clothes. I don't know if he deals in women's clothes or not. |
| My brother says that he finds cats are more better able to care for themselves than dogs. Dogs aren't on an equal footing with them at all. That's the way my brother finds them, especially in cold weather - snow, sleet, ice. (a cat crosses the street) That cat just crossed the street because it's a nice day out and I hope it stays that way Dave, from this day on. |
| DBG | Who's your best friend? |
| Bill | Money! |
| Jack | That's not my best friend - money is the root of all evil. You go down to the depths of poverty when you go down into money, don't you? I don't want money, it's the root of all evil to me David, David Greenberger. Can you buy me a soda Dave? Root beer. |
| Leo | Money can do great things when you know how to use it. |
| Jack | Have you got two quarters Leo? |
| Leo | No. |
| DBG | Who's your best friend? |
| Jack | Joe Mangon. |
| Leo | It depends. Trustworthy persons. I don't know, I ain't got no best friends now. Everyone has died in my family. God is my best friend, too. If you own a Cadillac you could share your wealth with the poor people and forget the rich people. |
| DBG | What's it like to be a bachelor all your life? |
| Jack | (sings) "For when I was single, of how my pockets did jingle." |
| DBG | You were never married, though. |
| Jack | No, I was never married, but when I was down in Rhode Island I had Alice Baker as my partner. I wasn't grown up at the time, but I was the same size as a grown person - the same size as her. When I first seen her down there she was bigger than me, because I wasn't grown up at that time. Alice Baker, she's a brunette - prettiest girl in the world; no girl in the world was as pretty as her. If you'd look at her legs you'd agree with me on that. |
| Benny Hill, that's one of my favorite TV shows. I like the Match Game with Gene Rayburn. I like to see McHale's Navy, Gomer Pyle USMC, Mr. Ed the Talking Horse. What other programs do I like to see? . . . Gary Moore Show, To Tell the Truth. I like to see the movies on television. I like to see All In The Family with Carroll O'Connor, it's on around supper time everyday. I like to see the Beverly Hillbillies. What else? I've given you at least six of 'em there - what else is there? To Tell The Truth, The Match Game - you got that. The Waltons, I like to see the Waltons. |
| DBG | What kind of food would you want to have named after you? |
| Jack | Beans, Friend's Baked Beans with pork in it in a tin can. I've seen it advertised on television. |
| DBG | And you'd like it named after you? |
| Jack | Yeah, Jack's Baked Beans in molasses sauce with pork in a tin can. Of course I couldn't give 'em any money to do that. Money - the root of all evil. Money can't buy physical health. I'm happy to see you, Dave. You're not big, but you're a little bigger than me. I get along with you, Dave. |
| DBG | How do you make something disappear? |
| Jack | That's a magician's job, that's not my job to make something disappear, that's a magician's job, David. I might be pretty good as an escape artist, but I'm not a magician. |
| DBG | What do you know about magic? |
| Jack | It's a bad thing. I seen a magic act one time on television. It's not a good thing to take place, magic acts. I seen a magic act on television, it was live too. |
| DBG | What is it bad? |
| Jack | You can get hurt. |
| DBG | How? |
| Jack | You know how, I don't have to answer that. |
| DBG | Would you rather have a dizzy spell or stub your toe? |
| Jack | Dizzy spell. |
| DBG | Why? |
| Jack | If you stub your toe you hurt your foot and blood may spurt out. |
| I read that story, Men Against the Sea. That's a true story, it's a pocket book I read. Devil's Island is another pocket book, it's an unfictitious story. I read it. I read the Mutiny on the Bounty trilogy, that's nonfictitious. I read about John Dillinger, the criminal. He has a moustache, I saw it in his picture. His moustache is the color white, or gray. I read Frank Buck, Bring "em Back Alive. I took it out of the library, I read it and then I returned it. Frank Buck, I read the whole thing. You know what he brought back? Elephants, monkeys, giraffes and zebras. I know he brought back elephants and monkeys, and I think zebras and giraffes as well. The monkeys got wet, if I remember right. I would say that the monkeys were on the deck and got wet from the salt water or from the water from the guy who was swabbin' the decks. |
| DBG | Tell me a joke. |
| Jack | I don't know no jokes - I'm not a jokester, I'm not an entertainer. Tell Bob Hope, he'll tell you a joke. Jan Murray'll tell you a joke - he's on TV, he cracks jokes. |
| DBG | Tell me an outrageous lie. |
| Jack | When I was going to school one time I told the school that I have a
dog, but I didn't have a dog. If you fall on your bike early in the day, chances are you'll get a headache later in the day. |
| DBG | Who's Mona Lisa? |
| Jack | A girl. (sings) "Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, men have made you. You are so like the lady with the missing smile." |
| DBG | Mystic smile. |
| Jack | Missing, missing smile. M-i-s-s-i-n-g. |
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